HOW TO NOT PISS OFF YOUR AVERAGE GUEST SERVICE EMPLOYEE.

So, I work in a place that pretty much operates to make people happy. If you read enough of my posts, I'm pretty sure you'll be able to figure out where I work.

Anyhow, I enjoy a position of minor power over a modest amount of employees and they take orders from me. But I admit, even if I am getting paid more, I loved doing the hands on, interactive part of my job, as opposed to what I do now, which is file paper work, schedule breaks and lunches, stick to our budget and generally make sure everything is running smoothly.

It's not as fun.

Yes, I loved doing the grunt work, believe it or not. 

anyhow....let me start by saying the following post was made about three years ago, but my dear friends Jules, Darian and Cade thought this would be a funny blog for me to put up. 

I got a bit bored, so I put together the "Helpful Ways to make it thru a Theme Park without the Employees murdering you and your loved ones." in a sort of order...enjoy....

ABOUT TIME!!!



1.Don't arrive for any show at the marked show time. Show up earlier...by at least 20 minutes.

2.If a ride line is posted over 30 minutes, guess what? Whining about it won't make the line move faster. We've done studies. It doesn't work.

3.If you are insane enough to come on Christmas Eve, or Thanksgiving weekend, or any other Holiday...guess what? The lines are gonna be long! you wanna know why? BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IN CHRISTENDOM HAS DECIDED TO COME AS WELL!!!!

4.Don't use this excuse when you come running up to the last time for any show "but we've wanted to do this all day, this is what we've been waiting for all day. Can't you please let us in?" Because if it was something you wanted to do so badly you should have come to an earlier show....planned better...and no...we cant' let you in because we've had to turn down the other 45 people behind you who asked the same thing.

5.Don't ever expect shows to be slow. They never are. Shows will run on time come hell or high water. even then, we've probably convinced Satan to hold off on the end of the world....and as for the water...we'll get a mop....the show will still run on time!!!

SAFETY FIRST!! SAFETY IS ALWAYS FIRST!!!


1.If you're walking along a parade route and see tape or ropes up...DON'T CROSS THOSE LINES. They're there for a reason.

2.Don't swing on our ropes....it really pisses us off. not to mention they might break and you'll be meeting the ground very soon. and trust us...we'll laugh, cause chances are, we've already warned you. oh, and no...w'ere not calling first aid for your broken finger and dislocated kneecap. 

3.If you see a rope, chain, metal divider, tape, or any other borders....DON'T JUMP OVER, UNDER, WALK THRU IT!!! IT'S THERE FOR A REASON!! (if you die doing something stupid, we have a ton of paper work to do, and while we don't care that you died, we do hate paper work)

4.If there is a height limit on our ride no amount of complaining or threats will change that. It's the law, we can't do anything about it. So please stop trying to take your two month olds on our roller coasters. 

5.Don't stand up during our rides. you're just going to force us to shut the ride down and then you'll be the one all the other 500 people are looking at, knowing you're making them wait. and no...we won't help you if a mob comes after you. in fact, we'll be handing out the pitchforks and torches.....

6.When you're moving in a crowd of people try and go with the flow of traffic. (SERIOUSLY, IT NOT A HARD THING TO DO!!!!)

7.if your child is a half inch under the height requirment, it's STILL UNDER THE HEIGHT REQUIRMENT. IT'S NOT A RULE WE CAN BEND, IT'S FOR THEIR SAFETY. AS A RESPONSIBLE ADULT YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS.

8.Would you jump off the cross walk into moving traffic outside of the park? No? Well the same rule applies here. Don't do it. our floats are considered moving vehicles in every sense of the word. DON'T JUMP IN FRONT OF THEM!

9.Read all the boarding rules for any ride. it will only take an extra moment or two. and it'll save you a hell of a lot of trouble. 

10. if we say no lap sitting, we mean no lap sitting. end of story. 

BEING A DECENT HUMAN BEING!!!


1.Try to listen to what we are saying to you. After all...we were trained to do our jobs.

2.Remember that we are humans as well. We DON'T LIKE BEING YELLED AT, cursed at, threatened, called names, insulted, abused or treated like slaves. We are here to HELP you, not to be USED by you.

3.Don't flip off cameras that are taking your picture on the rides. We will catch it and delete it. Plus you're ruining the memories of people who aren't being morons.

4.Acting like an ass to look "tough" or "cool" only makes you look like an ass and nothing else. 

5.it's not considered "cool' to break the rules. you're just being stupid.  (again, we don't call first aid for retards. We call custodial to pick up bodies.)

6.USE THE TRASH CANS!!!!

7.We don't make up the prices for food and mechandise. Complaining to us about it won't lower the prices. 

8. if a ride has broken down remember this......NO, we didn't do it on purpose, YES we are trying to fix it as soon as possible, NO we can't make things go any faster, YES we want you to be as safe as possible, NO you're not helping matters by complaining....in fact chances are you're causing more of us to have to come out to deal with your stupidity, and less of them are working on the problem...thus making the wait for us to resume operations EVEN LONGER!!!!!!!!! 


WATCHING YOUR OWN CHILDREN!!!!


1.WATCH YOUR CHILDREN!!! we are NOT babysitters! It doesn't matter if it's a indoor show....other people are watching it too. EITHER CORRAL YOUR KIDS OR LEAVE.

2.our theaters are not nurseries! please watch your children!!!!!

3.No...it is NOT okay to change your child's diaper in the middle of our line/ theater/ courtyard/ walkway/ ride itself/ public bench/ resturant/ boat/ train/ plane/ gondola/ vehicle/ raft/ flowerbed/ garden/ terrace/ river/ lake/ stream areas......EVER. THIS IS WHAT RESTROOMS ARE FOR!! THERE ARE RESTROOMS EVERYWHERE AND ALL OF THEM ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE AREAS TO CHANGE YOUR CHILD. DO NOT DO SO ANYWHERE ELSE BUT A RESTROOM! THAT IS THE BOTTOM LINE AND IT WILL NEVER EVER CHANGE!!!

COMMON SENSE THAT ISN'T SO COMMON ANYMORE!!


1.Don't be a idiot and wear high heels to our parks. it's a theme park and none of us give a rat's ass what you look like. Plus by the end of the night you're going to be really sore. And we don't have trams all over the park

2.If it doesn't come from a bottle, cup, or glass...DON'T DRINK THE WATER!! Ducks and various other water fowl have used it as a toilet. (seriously, it's not good for you...at all...but hey, if you wanna win a Darwin Award, be my guest)

3.If you're in an indoor show, do yourself a favor and don't use flash photography. It's pretty much standard for the whole park.

4.Our theaters don't have restrooms. NONE OF THEM DO!! use one before you go to a show.

5.If you have a voucher, fast pass or any other sort of ticket....READ IT!!! ALL OF IT...EVEN THE FINE PRINT....READ ALL OF IT. TWICE. UNTIL YOU'VE READ ALL OF IT AND CAN QUOTE IT WORD FOR WORD.

6.Get a map of the parks. It helps us, when you ask us where things are at. We understand not all of you have been here, but the map helps.

7.get a show guide. It's very useful

8.Read the fine print on your vouchers. I WILL REPEAT...READ THE FINE PRINT ON YOUR VOUCHERS!!!! READ IT!!!

9.DO NOT SPLIT UP YOUR GROUP!! It makes us have to send our search parties. And don't separate them going into shows and expect them to be able to join you in the middle of the show. it doesn't work that way. Would you go on a roller coaster, expect the ride to stop halfway thru so the rest of your party could join you? The same applies to our theaters. KEEP YOUR ENTIRE PARTY TOGETHER!!!!

10.DON'T STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET TO LOOK AT YOUR MAP. people are trying to walk. move to the side!

11.RENT A LOCKER!!! it's like less then 10 dollars for the ENTIRE DAY!! you have less of a chance of loosing something if you do this...and trust us, in a group of over three, you're gonna wanna do this!!

12. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR VACATION MONEY, CAMERA, VIDEO CAMERA, WALLET, PURSE OR ANYTHING OF VALUE IN YOUR STROLLER THEN WALK AWAY. NOT EVERYONE RUNS ON THE HONOR SYSTEM AND YOU'RE IN A PUBLIC PLACE. AND NO, WE DO NOT WATCH YOUR STROLLERS. SO NEVER ASSUME THAT WE DO, EVER.

13. READ YOUR VOUCHERS!!! EVEN THE FINE PRINT. READ YOUR VOUCHERS!!! AND THE FINE PRINT!!!

We ask you to read the fine print because not all the offers are the same. So when it says "prefered seating" this does NOT mean Priority seating. not by a long shot. it means if you show up at the correct time, we'll try to help you out. it does NOT mean we'll kiss your ass and call it ice cream. So suck it up and read your damn voucher. 
HOW TO MAKE SURE WE DON'T WANT TO KILL YOU LATER......



1. We honestly do want to help you. Just be patient with us as well,and we'll do our best to help you.

2.We are not here to make your life hell. please have patience

3.Don't try lying to us. we're not idiots.

4.We pride ourselves on being attentive to your needs as guests....but this often time requires one on one time. Be patient.

5.when in doubt...ASK US!!!!!

6.IF A SHOW GETS CANCELED DON'T YELL AT US. WE DON'T DO IT ON PURPOSE. and remember...when it comes to shows chances are we've done EVERYTHING, including sacrificing a one of our own to the almighty Show Lord to get it running again. If the show is canceled we've tried everything already. DON'T YELL AT US. IT WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD WHATSOEVER EXCEPT MAYBE MAKE US NOT WANT TO HELP YOU.

7.guess what? Most of us like working with people! please don't change that.....

8. We look out for each other. If you're a jerk toone of us.....well...we know all the hiding places backstage...nobody will ever find you. and we'll put you in a dark, cruel place....with no windows...and no doors. a place where light does not shine, where there is no hope of escape.....a place that is dark and cold, where you will count the passage of time not in days or years...but in centuries that drag thru an icy space.....a place where you will forever be haunted by the inhuman voice that will plague your mind......"It's a small world after all....it's a small, small world......"

Well, that's my post. hope you enjoyed it. Just a friendly little reminder from your average guest service employee. Don't be a douchebag when you visit my Park. I'm not kidding about the first aid thing. 

love you all. 

I am a level 80 Night Elf Druid, and I don't care who the hell knows it....except maybe my co-workers...

so the other day, I was at Blizzcon aka "THE COMPUTER GAME NERD EPICENTER OF THE WORLD"....and as I roved from booth to booth, panel to panel with my nerdy ass boyfriend in tow, I realized something....there are hidden nerds EVERYWHERE!!!

No, I'm not kidding. 

as I was gleefully waiting in line to play the newest Diablo demo, who should I see coming up the line on the next switchback towards me, but my lead, Michael. Now, let me explain something. In my mind, I've always been able to spot other nerds.  You just can tell. Sometimes its the pale skin, other times it's them laughing and saying something along the lines of "dude, you failed your dex check." or the baseball cap with a huge yellow exclamation point over it that gives it away.

other times you don't find out until you start talking to your other obvious nerd friends about how hard last night's raid was and you swear your damn healer is a fucking Leeroy Jenkins. (At least I have chicken!!!) and then someone pops up with a remark like "Well, shit, all you have to do it send your tanks to the left next time and you're in the clear."

But then there are moments like the one mentioned waiting in line for Diablo (OMG THEY ADDED A MONK CLASS! FUCK YES!!!!) and you see someone with no visible signs of nerdyness on them. Michael is one of those guys you're afraid to mention your gaming obsession to for fear he will laugh and say something like "way mature, guys. playing computer games. Grow up.' or some such. To which most of us gamers call him a douchebag and continue on talking about the merits of tier 4 gear over tier 3 and insulting the Horde with every other sentence. (ALLIANCE, BABY!!!!)

so seeing Michael was a truly weird ass experience for me.  I looked at him.  Blinked and checked his lanyard. Yup. Here's what it reads, with his last name being changed for his protection from Alliance players, he's Horde. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB!!!:

"Michael Parker"

"ISmashyMurlocs"

I Smashy Murlocs?

Seriously?

Holy Shit!

Michael has not spotted me yet in line with a gleeful grin on my face, waiting to blow his cover.

"HOLY FUCKIN' SHIT, MICHAEL, YOU'RE A WoW PLAYER?!"

At this point, Michael jumps and stares, looking around a ashamed, and horrified look on his face. Someone has spotted him in his natural habitat, and that someone is someone who was previously unaware of his geekhood status.   He spots me, jumping up and down waving at him like the moron that I am.  

"Hello." He mumbles. 

I smell fear. 

"HEY!  So what are you, Alliance or Horde?"

"I'm a undead warlock. level 80." He answers, almost issuing a challenge.

"You're Horde? You fuckin' wimp." (I get very foul mouthed when it comes to discussing gaming.) "Why the hell didn't you go Alliance?"

"I wanted to be a warlock."

"couldn't have played a gnome, huh? what's your hang up with gnomes? It's cause they're short isn't it?"

"No...I"

"Don't lie jackass! it's cause they're short! You tall sonofa..."

At this point a fight broke out and we had to be pulled apart by some dude wearing a mage costumes, two night elves and some fat tubby bastard named "Joe" in a white, sweat stained shirt.

Just kidding by the way. 

But the point being, we had a very in depth conversation about the merits of Horde and Alliance, and it dawned on me that Michael was a closet nerd. He knew way too much for being a casual player. He was damn near hardcore and I'm only a moderate player. (meaning, I still am aware of the world outside of the computer and have a social life that doesn't involve a headset and a good graphics card)

He joined my boyfriend and myself playing Diablo and then when out 30 minutes of demo time was up we parted ways and he melted in the the crowds of unwashed, sweaty geeks who infest the anaheim convention center for two days, spiking out the level of geekiness to 37 geeks per square foot, 49 if that area happens to be a Denny's.  

Today, I ran into Michael at work. I greeted him with a sparkling smile and a friendly hello. Followed by: 

"Shit! did you get to play the new starting levels for WoW?! Damn it looks awesome.  I can't wait to run my level 80 Druid thru there and pwn your ass!"

"What are you talking about?" was the response I got, and I looked deep in my lead's eyes and saw a plea for mercy. I had him by the short and curlies but he was not ready to be outted as a geek just yet. There were too many witnesses. He had a reputation to uphold. He couldn't be known under the title of "LEVEL 80 UNDEAD WARLOCK!"  just yet. 

but soon.

soon his day will come.

Like when he tells me I'm two minutes late from my lunch.

oh yeah.

Fuck the Horde. 

Alliance Rules!

p.s This won't be my last post about Blizzcon, but its the one I finished quickest. more to come later. 

Blizzcon, Pre End Blog

Well....day one of Blizzcon ended with a huge fucking crash....and today is DAY TWO!!!

oh my Good LORD, what a damn nightmare yesterday...but you know what? It's gonna be okay....right?  RIGHT?!?!?

I forgot my camera, I had my bag searched twice by two different idiots, my boyfriends lost his pass (there's going to be an entire blog dedicated to THAT fucking problem)..the food sucked.....duh.....and I'm damn well exhausted...

But...I'm off to do it again.  Whoo hoo...

BLIZZCON, HERE I COME!!!!

so, it's Blizzcon week...

a huge gathering of nerds and geeks are about to converge in Anaheim, California....AND I'M GONNA BE THERE!!! YAY!!!

Hell yes I'm excited. Phillip and I are going to go hang out among all the other World of Warcraft players in the world and we get to be there. I'm over here geeking out like a idiot....I think it's cause I didn't get tickets to ComicCon this year and I'm suffering from lack of a nerd outlet....

I'm not writing my best post here, but I'm trying to go thru a checklist of what I currently need to bring with me.....Here's what I'm doing....

Granola bars?

Check.

I refuse to pay $4 for a damn cereal bar at the damn convention center.

Water? Vitamin Water?

check.

yeah....not paying $7 for a BASIC LIFE GIVING FLUID.

Spare Shirt?

check.

I've been to enough of these conventions to know this....someone will bump into you while holding their scalding hot pizza.  And I am not about to buy a t-shirt for 20$ to replace the one that's now covered in grease and cheese.

Brush?

check.

Hair gets in face....enough said.

ipod?

check.

Time between forums. Need to be entertained.

Broken in pair of walking tennis shoes.

check.

Yup...not going to be on my feet from 7am to midnight wearing uncomfortable sneakers.

Book of some kind?

check.

see ipod answer.

have mentally reviewed all geek/ nerd trivia to I can communicate with WoW hardcore geeks on a perso nto person basis without seeming like a total noob.

check

i think I explained it pretty well, there.

am I ready. Hell yes. I'm totally writing up a blog for it once its all said and done.

coming soon, a old repost of last year's blog from Blizzcon.  

My Flooded Inbox full of worthless and pointless e-mails.

so I've got a question.....

why does everyone in the world assume that once you have a email address you have a sexual disorder?

let me explain.

I got a email address...I've never signed up for any online contest, survey, newsletter......ever....and quite suddenly....I find my inbox flooded with spam. 

all of them asking me if I need help in bed. Do I want a larger penis? does my partner not please me? do I need breast enlargement? help getting an orgasam? 

they offer free adult toys if I purchase any piece of naughty clothing in their store. 

and if it's not that....I have been offered places to get any number of surgeries. from tummy tucks, to nose jobs and brow lifts.

What sparked this blog was the fact that I opened my email inbox after three or four days of not checking it and found 47 pieces of junk mail......all of which were sexual in some way shape or form. 47 in about three days....that's pretty damn impressive......in a sick sort of way......

So...again....why does everyone assume that I need a better sex life? should I start sending letters back telling them that "no thank you....I don't need any adult toys and I'd like you to stop sending me advertisments" or does that just encourage them?

maybe at the very least I should in fact explain that I don't have a penis to some of these companies....and that yes I do like my breasts just as they are. 

I just wonder sometimes what exactly is driving this world we live in. but then again all I really had to do was watch TV for the new ads about "natural man enhancement.' or new gels that make you tingle and shit. whatever.

No...I'm not bitter or anything, but honestly. There's reseach going on about how to make sure you can either get it up or get it on in the bedroom. All that money could be going someplace useful....find a cure for AIDS or something. Children are dying from childhood dieases all over the world and yet Joe Someone needs a bigger Mini Me. 

or someone Suzy Doe needs to feel better about her man, and really needs a new gel to feel sexy. (it also comes in strawberry, chocolate and mint flavors, or try the BRAND NEW GLOW IN THE DARK GEL FOR NIGHT TIME FUN!!!!)

Jeez....ugh...okay. sorry. but damnit, people there are vastly more important things going on in the world. 

so here's what I was thinking...I'd write a letter....it'll go something like this....

"Dear Sexually Inept Men of Company X,

Please don't flood my inbox with bullshit anymore. While I know you're all so worried about your own inability to feel sexually powerful and fulfilled, some of us still have morals and values and really don't give a rats ass about your Little Winky. By the way....just for future reference I don't have a penis. and I like my Twins just the way they are, thank you. No, I do not want enhancements or implants because I enjoy walking upright and not having the posture of a jumbo shrimp when I reach the age of 60.) Can you please spend some of your advertising money on a better cause? People are dying all over the place and it's not cause they can't have a good time in the bedroom.

Thanks,
A Lady Who Likes Her Body Just The Way It Is!!!

p.s if you're one of those assholes who drive huge ass cars to compensate for something...please can you at least learn how to park? it's hard enough finding a space at the movie theater friday night without your damn monster truck taking up half of two parking spaces. 

p.s.s By the way....the Huge Truck....yeah. everyone knows your little guy is extra small. just FYI

Meteor Shower last night...

So last night was the peak night for watching the Perseid Meteor Shower......for those of you who aren't weird nature nerds and had no idea...

It's still continuing tonight, and you can view these amazing trails of light in the sky between 10:30pm and 3:00am....I stayed up to a bit past Midnight last night and saw about 45 meteors race over the sky.  It was quite a show and the fact that there was no moon in the sky really helped the viewing. 

Now if you're a noobie meteor watcher, then here's a few tips...try to get away from the city lights if possible, and look to the North East.....the meteors are coming out of the direction of the Perseus constellation...(you know...the dude who killed Medusa in Greek mythology...)....and don't worry about binoculars. Enjoy the night sky and let your eyes adjust to the darkness before you expect to see anything.

Anyhow, this is not a funny blog really, just me hoping to encourage a few of you o be geeky too. Hope you find time to gaze at the stars tonight. 

Pooping Partners....

alright, so the other night I went with my boyfriend and a few of his buddies out to dinner at a nice Italian place near his house...we're meeting he buddy's new fiance for the first time, and its a slightly formal event.....

It's about half way thru dinner and we're having a great time...you can tell its gonna be one of those meals where the food will run out before the conversation does, cause everyone's having a blast.  It was a reunion of sorts and just a great mix of people. seriously, a fun night.

Anyhow, about half way thru this meal, I realize i have to use the restroom. Now I'm not the only girl at the table...there's three more girls, but I've never been one to need a potty buddy...

you know, when a girl says "I have to use the restroom, can someone come with me?" I've never understood that. What exactly do you need the other girl for? moral support? to hold your purse? look out? toilet spotter?  what the hell is that all about?

But I think I solved some of it....or caught it mid act or something...I don't know...

I get to the bathroom and all the stalls are taken. There's only four stalls and one of them is a handicapped stall..you know the big stall at the end that everyone likes using cause then you don't have to contort your body into some odd angle just to get your fingers on some toilet paper.  That one.

well, handicap stall opens first and I bolt into that one cause I've just drank four glasses of water and one glass of ice tea, and my bladder is starting to resemble a failing damn.  It's gonna blow.

I go and open the flood gates and then get up to wash my hands.  Then from behind me, one of the small stalls opens up and OUT COME FIVE GIRLS.....FIVE!!!

And no....not little kids.

FIVE FULLY GROWN ADULT WOMEN COME OUT OF ONE DAMN STALL....

now, I don't know what the hell was going on...but I think there was a party I missed of some kind....not that I'm into lesbian sex and toilets....cause...I just love boys and nice, clean, germ free areas if I'm gonna be doing the horizontal boogie all over it.....maybe that's just me....

Well....the five girls look at me, one of them smiles kinda sheepishly and gives me this explanation:

"She got scared."

Let's break this down....

"She" as in....one of the other four, fully grown, adult females...

"got scared."

OF WHAT?!

IS THE POTTY MONSTER REAL?!

OH SHIT, SERIOUSLY?

THE POTTY MONSTER IS REAL, ISN'T HE?!

FUCK!!!!

I just...I'm confused, and I'm a female...

is this the reason girls travel in herds to the bathroom?

in case a straggler gets picked off from a ninja butt yank from the toilet?  cause if so...I'm totally traveling with a potty buddy....and they need to hold my hand...

anyone wanna lend a hand?

p.s baby, if you're wondering why it took so long, it's cause I was writing this blog in my head before I left the restroom. sorry the garlic bread got cold. Love you.

Old Dark Knight Reveiw (requested repost)

(this is just a old repost from my viewing of the midnight show for The Dark Knight. Only for you Phillip, Krista and Jules)

so right now there are currently two types of people living in the world....

those of you who have not seen The Dark Knight....

and those of us who now devoutely fear pencils and "magic tricks" more then we fear Death itself.....

I belong to the latter of the two......I got home last night and pondered burning all of my pencils in a trash can in my front yard....just to be safe.......

Now...let me explain something.....

there are movies....dramas, comedies, romances, action....whatever.....

then there are experiences.......

This was a experience......

To say this movie grabs you is a understatement. It clutches you tightly, ruthlessly and refuses to let go....its nails bit into your skin, until blood is drawn and it laughes the whole time....to say it entertains you falls short....it enthralls you.....to say it is a superhero flick is a insult.......

this is a dark exploration into the depths of the human mind.....reaching beyond the boundaries of what is safe and secure and not only finding the warped, twisted, black core of the worst of a human mind.....but trying, groping in the void to find the cause and source of it all......and coming out feeling as if you just scratched the surface.......

The Dark Knight is a experience, a ride into the Joker's mind you will not forget....nor do you want to forget it......

This is the Joker as you've never seen him. This is taking the whole "clowns scare me" thing to a whole other level.....now clowns scare the shit out of me and make me want to scream just thinking about them.....this is a merciless killer who loves nothing, wants nothing, feels nothing and fears nothing.....

Batman is darker, braver and more tragic then before....the campy 60's "holy mooing cows, Batman" stuff is a insult, the last two movies before "Batman Begins" look pale and weak next to this towering black guardian in the night...(let us never ever forget the awful Batsuit nipples...never....the horror...)..this is the very human Batman who keeps fighting and knowing his life is never going to be the same puts his mantle back on and comes back swinging.....

There is no other way to view Batman now for me, except in this light...or from the shadows...whichever you feel is correct....this is Batman as he was supposed to be.....

What can I tell you?

You never see any of it coming...you never guess that there can possibly be more after you witness the first 30 mind bending minutes.....you never ever guess that this ride is going to keep going.....in fact....after two and half hours, when the credits were rolling...I wanted more.....I had been tired when I stepped into the theater....I left charged up and buzzing from what I'd just seen.....The plot twists, the moments when all seems lost....and half the time it is...and half the time it isn't......

Even the music was perfect.....absolutly perfect. it weaves in and around our villain and heroes.....flutters over Gotham City and into our minds..... 

Am I in love with this movie?

yes.

I am sorry but there is no other way I can word it......I want to see it again now....several more times on the big screen......I need to find a IMAX theater that's not sold out.......something.......

Am I telling you to go see it?

Yes.

but only if you want to forever have your image of Batman changed into something greater then he's ever been.

Bravo to the cast of this film......Heath Ledger......I can see why there's early Oscar buzz for this role......he made the Joker more real and alive then anything we've seen before......

well done

hope you guys enjoyed the ramble.....laters........

by the way......

how about a magic trick?

Gah! The lipstick rule was broken!!!!

okay, so I'm a girl....

and as such, I have moments of extreme vanity...

Well, unfortunately for me, today, the lipstick rule was broken...

now, let me explain, my boyfriend sometimes spends the night. not always, but sometimes.....we've been dating for a few years now, and I am still in that stage where as a female, I see fit to keep my man in the illusion that I ALWAYS LOOK PERFECT, DAMNIT AND IT'S GONNA STAY THAT WAY.

Ladies, you have to know what I'm talking about. If you wake up before he does, you go brush your teeth really quick, before you sneak back in the room, or brush your hair really quick before he wakes up, so you NEVER EVER HAVE BAD BREATH, AND YOUR HAIR LOOKS ABSOLUTELY RADIANT.  don't deny it, you know you've done it. 

Well, I have this thing, I like to tell myself he will never see me without lipstick...because I'm gonna be honest, my lips are pretty pale looking and thanks to modern science the beauty industry has created and mass marketed my new best friend. (sorry Krista)

The tubes of 20 hour lasting, no fade, requires paint thinner and a belt sander to remove this shit lipstick.  You put it on and it does not go away until you put some elbow grease into it....

I love this stuff.

I'd sell my right kidney for it...

ok...maybe not my kidney....

but a few pints of blood, yes. 

Anyhow..I can put it on and I no longer have to worry about pale lips until the next day. okay, its a personality quirk, kill me.

Well, Phillip spent the night last night and we watched Star Wars until my brain was buzzing with Force related catch phrases. (shut up, to both Rick and Andy.) Sometime during the day in my mad rush out the door and into the rat race that is life, I misplaced my lipstick after I put it on and forgot all about it....I went to sleep with lipstick on, and woke up this morning before Phillip....and slipped into the bathroom to wash my face, brush my teeth and put on lipstick then go back to bed.....it's my day off, and I earned the right to go back to bed and use my boyfriend as a pillow...

I go thru the "magic morning touch up" and then reach for the trusty make up bag...then stare into it in utter horror as I realize my best friend "Razzleberry Bliss" #772 is not in my make up bag! NO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

The Horror!!

I have a silent yet furious panic attack in my bathroom then look around in the drawers...no Best Friend....

There's only one place it can be....

The Bedroom...

Where Phillip is currently sleeping...

The danger is that he will awaken, see me without lipstick and I shall be overly embarassed....

it's stupid, I know...but it can't be helped....

I go into the bedroom. 

Soft snoring from the bed tells me I am safe....

THERE! on the bedside table...

"Razzleberry BLiss #772" lies by the bedside lamp...

Asshat lipstick...

I reach for it...

Phillip turns over.

I have a small bowel movement.

Snoring continues.....

SCORE!

Lipstick in hand!

I'm a Goddess!!!

Phillip yawns.

Eyes open!

SHIT! (my pants)

He looks ups at me. I wince.  I ponder covering face with bathroom towel.

"You look different." comes the comment.

"it's nothing."  I sputter. In my mind however I'm screaming: "TURN AWAY. DO NOT LOOK AT MY HIDEOUS PALE LIPS. NAY, STARE NOT UPON MY UGLY FACE!!!"

He stares a few more seconds then says: 

"You look cute without lipstick."

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

I smile, drop the lipstick on the floor and go back to bed. 

Now I know why I love this man....

He has a wonderful sense of self preservation.

Teehee.

I love you, Phil.  

p.s Thanks sweetie. 

is it bad I'm a Star Wars Geek?

oh my. 

I had a moment today when I realized just how much of a Star Wars nerd I am....God Help me.

So, I was in my office, doing some paper work when Heather walks in, clearly forgetting me and James switched places early this week.  She had his reports and she needed him to sign for a few things.  Either way she comes in with the reports, looks up and around at the new decor, see's me....looks confused, and I know what's happened....but, I'm both a geek and a jerk, so I burst out with:

"These are not the droids you're looking for!"

heaven help me.

Ah well. Phillip. This is your fault....I was never this much of a nerd until I started dating you!!!!  

*whispers* and you can't prove otherwise, so HA!

sorry. I know i might be the only one who gets this, but it was funny. laters.

Harry Potter and the Half Ass Movie Plot....

so if you didn't pick up from my less then flattering title, I did not like the newest Harry Potter installment....

Now before you get it into your head that I went in with a biased frame of mind, you're wrong. I went in full well knowing that this was a movie where things would be cut from the book plot and things would be edited.

What I did not expect was the full scale murder of one of my personal favorite books out of the series....and not just a little stabby murder. No, it was full blown "drawn and quarter" and burn the pieces type of murder. Hollywood is a Violent Serial Murder of Decent Plots. The Bastards. 

Now, I might be the only one who cares that the plot line was violently slaughtered for the enjoyment of the morons working in Hollywood....and I'll bet Rowling herself could give a rat's ass as she wallows around in her money bin like Scrooge McDuck from Duck Tales (you just know she has one somewhere....)

But this was horrible! Horrible doesn't begin to cover this. This was a nightmare.

Where to begin?

Oh yes...how about at the beginning? Where in the book, Dumbledore arrives at Harry Potter's house to pick him up personally, setting the tone for the entire plot of the story thereafter?  No...in the movie we see Harry sitting at some random cafe, reading a newspaper and trying to have some late night fun with a waitress who works there. Dumbledore shows up at the correct moment just like a parent knocking on their teenaged son's door when he's having a make out session with his girlfriend.  total buzzkill....

Thank GOD!  I was starting to think this movie was going to vomit all over itself like some drunk frat boy during rush week....

oh wait...it's only been five minutes....I still have over two hours to go....

Well, this is gonna get ugly, better strap myself in.

Moving on....I sat waiting for myself to be swept up and along into the Magical World, and go right along with the ride. Alas, this did not happen.  In fact this installment showed less magic then any of the films thus far, and that's saying something.

Where was the sense of magic? where was the sense of mystery and adventure?  where was the bond you started to feel with Harry and Dumbledore?  Where was the spirit?

Why was Slughorn portrayed as a bumbling, half wit with his brain being muddled by booze?  Slughorn was supposed to represent the GOOD side of Syltherin. The clever, cunning, intelligent, cut throat side of that House that set them apart from all the other Houses. 

But no...here he is a muttering idiot!

GAH!!!!

As if this wasn't bad enough, the "love stories" are played as if a 15 year old had written them in some sloppy "Mary Sue" fanfiction sequence.  I'm pretty sure the script writer was drunk. The scenes are awkward, weak, poorly written bits of script that would make even a junior high school drama teacher flinch. 

The awkward moments between Harry and Ginny can hardly be called "romantic" or even "cute"...and I can't in good conscience call them charitably "adorable."  No...but I can call them "shallow", "time wasting" and more importantly "add to the already sluggishly movie by tying the plot's shoelaces together."  SUCH A SLOW PLOTLINE!!!!!!!!

There is no dignity and life given to any of the supporting cast, whatsoever and I even had a hard time feeling anything except indifference at the worst for the main characters, and mild amusement at best.

There are some good points....none of which had anything to do with the plot, or story telling, I might add.  The computer graphics are getting better, therefore Quidditch scenes look much smoother and much more intense as you're thrown directly into the action on the field. 

There is one scene at the very end of the film that is intense, creepy, and dark all at once, that makes it worth the five minutes.  But not much else. In fact, both Dumbledore and Harry show no real emotion except mild discomfort, slight fear, some difficultly breathing and over all...nothing to wow you. 

Computer graphics are better.....

Arnold the Pygmy Puff makes a VERY BRIEF CAMEO. And he's so damn cute, I want one!

Luna Lovegood is GREAT!!!  HELL YES, LUNA!!!

The last 20 minutes of the movie suffer from "the engine's not turning over" syndrome. That is to say, the plot line struggles to get your attention...and then...nothing happens. Nothing of any real importance....

and speaking of lack of importance.....

There is a scene involving Harry doing something of MONUMENTAL STUPIDITY....AND IT NEVER HAPPENS IN THE DAMN BOOK!!!! NEVER!! NOT EVEN CLOSE!! OH MY GOOD LORD, WHY DID WE NEED THIS SCENE?! WE COULD HAVE USED THOSE PRECIOUS TEN MINUTES TO DO SOME ACTUAL CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!!!!

None of the characters GROW in any sense of the word. We could have either sliced those ten minutes out, or we could have added a scene that ACTUALLY HAPPENED INTO THE MOVIE!! HOLY CRAP, WHAT A NOVEL IDEA!!!!

Am I bitter?

oh yes.

For being "based" on the Book that launched a million websites and sent fans into a damn frenzy with the whole "DUMBLEDORE IS DEAD!" being screamed over the internet, this film was less then stellar.

Sure, if you've never read the books, you might enjoy it. To me, even looking at it objectively I could hardly follow the sequence of events and keep them straight.  Why? oh, did I forget to mention, half of the events are shown out of order? oh yeah...figure that out....

If however, you read the books and take them even remotely seriously...you're about to be disappointed. Very, very, very disappointed. Bring tissues. 

Public executions of perfectly good literature always make me cry. 

I don't regret going, as I got to see Phillip and my good buddy, Rob. But I both rue and lament the loss of the hours I could have been sleeping...you know...doing somehting worth while......

my advice?

Go see a matinee. Don't go in with high hopes...bring a crossword puzzle for the slow parts and feel free to take a nap if you get tired. When you wake up you'll be just as lost as you were when the film first started.

"Enjoy"

Yeah...that's me being sarcastic.....

later

yeah, I hate Spiders...

well, let me rephrase that....

I hate it when the sneaky little shits find their way into my room in the middle of the night, then lower themselves on drag lines to about my eye level when I'm watching TV and then my eyes cross to figure out what the hell I'm....OH MY GOD, IT'S A FUCKING SPIDER!!!!

In those moments, I truly, in the depths of my black little heart have the overwhelming urge to introduce the eight legged evil ninjas to my size seven leather heels for existing on the same dimensional plane as me....

I don't know what it is about me, of late, but all sorts of creepy crawly critters have found their way to me and I HATE IT!!!

Damn potatoe bugs as well. Have any of you ever seen a potatoe bug?  NO?  consider yourself lucky!!!

They're these huge, ugly, willnotdienomatterhowmuchyoufuckingsteponthemcausethey'recoveredinplatearmor HIDEOUS INSECTS THAT GOD ONLY PUT ON EARTH TO DIE IN RANDOM PLACES LIKE MY FAVORITE PAIR OF SLIPPERS!!!

I can pretty much put up with anything, but today was one of those days where I got treated to both spiders and a dead potatoe bug....going to change the water in my hummingbird feeder, I have to put on a pair of slippers cause the ground is hot. I pick up a slipper and out falls a DEAD POTATOE BUG!!!!

There is no reason on Earth why these things should be alive, at all.....ever.  And God, I'm sure has made them just to scare us....evil, evil, evil bugs!!!

and tonight, watching a movie....SPIDER!!!

I'm going to bed....sorry. just...grrrr....

not one of my best blogs ever, but, just getting it off my chest.

I Hate iphones!!!! OMG, VENT!

every time someone takes one out the room instantly fills up with conversations of new applications, and annoying beeps, clicks, sound effects and techno speak that can interrupt even the most profound conversation between two human beings.......

Suddenly the break rooms are all filled with the sound of people playing games, checking their email, and looking up MORE APPS!!! for haven's sake how many application do you need on your phone?!?!

There's applications for EVERYTHING!!!! I bet if you looked hard enough you could find a application to check the temperature of your snot in your nose and compare it to the temperature of some 19 year old computer geek in Japan after he's drank a cup of lukewarm chai tea.....

worst still...I'm seeing the trend of iphone time spreading.....before you could go into a Starbucks and hear people talking...now not all of it was intelligent conversation...but it was conversation....now coffee houses are silent and people are huddled over iphones, watching some random clip of Lindsey Lohan with a skirt that is showing her pale ass or playing YET ANOTHER MINDLESS GAME.....

Do I hate technology...no....no I don't. I hate the effect its having on people to converse and have a normal interaction with another human being without the aid of a electronic device. Seems everyone is plugged into these things, and if you refuse to plug into the iUniverse with everyone else, you're out of the loop...

I recently went to go see Watchmen in the theater....I was the first one in line...waiting for the theater to be cleaned so we could go find seats...I looked down the line...I saw over half the line with iphones out, not speaking to anyone around them.....kinda sad really, cause I noticed one girl, dressed to kill, clearly with her boyfriend, and looking excited to be with him, until he flipped out his iphone and began playing something...she looked sad, excused herself, got out of line and left. the guy didnt even notice her leaving.....

Feh...sorry....just venting a bit I guess.....

and I really am getting tired of hearing the phrase "Have you seen the new app for the iphone yet?" I'm not saying the iphones aren't useful either..but geez people....UNHOOK ONCE IN A WHILE.... and not all people are complete robots to them...just...I'm noticing the trend...

Gah. if I have to hear that one more time I'm gonna scream...

"Up" Review. Such a Sweet Movie!!!!

ok...so where do I start?

let's start from the short before the movie, it's called "Partly Cloudy."

okay....five words.

BABY. RAM. IS. SO. CUTE!

moving on....

Up is a movie that makes you believe anything is possible...Pixar delivered a true jewel to the theaters with this one. 

The movie opens up with Carl and the love of his life, Ellie. The first part is a tribute to a strong love story, that made my heart melt. It was the picture perfect example of true love and good solid story telling...

From there we move on and are introduced, by a series of comical moments, to Russell and Dug....Dug is the talking dog you see in the previews.....and Kevin......Kevin is my favorite. If you haven't seen the movie yet, well you'll understand why once you see it....

All I can tell you is this....

The movie wraps itself around your heart and never lets go.  I could not believe when the lights went up in the theater that I had only been sitting there for less then two hours. I felt that I had lived a lifetime with Carl....only to look around in bewilderment at the theater. 

Why is Carl such a wonderful character?  Its because he reminds you that the only limits you have are the ones you give yourself.  

Russell plays the idealist in the story, believing everything is simple...he's a young kid with his heart in the right place.

Dug....I suppose you can look at Dug as the loyal one, who is willing to "just do it." and face things as they come...

and Kevin....well...Kevin is Kevin..........

If I try to explain this movie...I'm going to fall short. All I can tell you is my heart was touched by this movie and I enjoyed every second of it.....Pixar has outdone themselves again.....I think this could very well outlast Disney and Pixar's favorite gem, Finding Nemo......

Oh yes...Up is on its way into box office history.....and it deserves it.....

Weird Animal Groupings....

Congregation of Alligators
Shrewdness of Apes
Sleuth of Bears
Obstinancy of Buffalo
Exaltation of Larks
Flutter of Butterflies
Murder of Crows
Wake of Buzzards
Clowder of Cats
Army of Caterpillars
Peep of Chickens
Intrusion of Cockroaches
Convocation of Eagles
Mob of Emus  (best mental image ever....)
Business of Ferrets
Leash of Foxes
Unkindness of Ravens
Crash of Rhinoceroses (umm...ow?)
Wreck of Seabirds
Prickle of Porcupines
Pride of Lions
Leap of Leopards
Lounge of Lizards
Cackle of Hyenas
Bloat of Hippos
Rhumba of Rattlesnakes
Gaze of Raccoons
Warren of Rabbits
Coterie of Prairie Dogs
Ostentation of Peacocks
Pandemonium of Parrots
Parliament of Owls
Romp of Otters
Smack of Jellyfish
Barrel of Monkeys
Tower of Giraffes
Troop of Gorillas
Cloud of Grasshoppers
Kettle of Hawks
Clutter of Spiders
Mustering of Storks
Ambush of Tigers
Rafter of Turkeys
Descent of Woodpeckers
Wisdom of Wombats
hope you enjoyed it. teehee....