Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Harry Potter and the Half Ass Movie Plot....
so if you didn't pick up from my less then flattering title, I did not like the newest Harry Potter installment....
Now before you get it into your head that I went in with a biased frame of mind, you're wrong. I went in full well knowing that this was a movie where things would be cut from the book plot and things would be edited.
What I did not expect was the full scale murder of one of my personal favorite books out of the series....and not just a little stabby murder. No, it was full blown "drawn and quarter" and burn the pieces type of murder. Hollywood is a Violent Serial Murder of Decent Plots. The Bastards.
Now, I might be the only one who cares that the plot line was violently slaughtered for the enjoyment of the morons working in Hollywood....and I'll bet Rowling herself could give a rat's ass as she wallows around in her money bin like Scrooge McDuck from Duck Tales (you just know she has one somewhere....)
But this was horrible! Horrible doesn't begin to cover this. This was a nightmare.
Where to begin?
Oh yes...how about at the beginning? Where in the book, Dumbledore arrives at Harry Potter's house to pick him up personally, setting the tone for the entire plot of the story thereafter? No...in the movie we see Harry sitting at some random cafe, reading a newspaper and trying to have some late night fun with a waitress who works there. Dumbledore shows up at the correct moment just like a parent knocking on their teenaged son's door when he's having a make out session with his girlfriend. total buzzkill....
Thank GOD! I was starting to think this movie was going to vomit all over itself like some drunk frat boy during rush week....
oh wait...it's only been five minutes....I still have over two hours to go....
Well, this is gonna get ugly, better strap myself in.
Moving on....I sat waiting for myself to be swept up and along into the Magical World, and go right along with the ride. Alas, this did not happen. In fact this installment showed less magic then any of the films thus far, and that's saying something.
Where was the sense of magic? where was the sense of mystery and adventure? where was the bond you started to feel with Harry and Dumbledore? Where was the spirit?
Why was Slughorn portrayed as a bumbling, half wit with his brain being muddled by booze? Slughorn was supposed to represent the GOOD side of Syltherin. The clever, cunning, intelligent, cut throat side of that House that set them apart from all the other Houses.
But no...here he is a muttering idiot!
As if this wasn't bad enough, the "love stories" are played as if a 15 year old had written them in some sloppy "Mary Sue" fanfiction sequence. I'm pretty sure the script writer was drunk. The scenes are awkward, weak, poorly written bits of script that would make even a junior high school drama teacher flinch.
The awkward moments between Harry and Ginny can hardly be called "romantic" or even "cute"...and I can't in good conscience call them charitably "adorable." No...but I can call them "shallow", "time wasting" and more importantly "add to the already sluggishly movie by tying the plot's shoelaces together." SUCH A SLOW PLOTLINE!!!!!!!!
There is no dignity and life given to any of the supporting cast, whatsoever and I even had a hard time feeling anything except indifference at the worst for the main characters, and mild amusement at best.
There are some good points....none of which had anything to do with the plot, or story telling, I might add. The computer graphics are getting better, therefore Quidditch scenes look much smoother and much more intense as you're thrown directly into the action on the field.
There is one scene at the very end of the film that is intense, creepy, and dark all at once, that makes it worth the five minutes. But not much else. In fact, both Dumbledore and Harry show no real emotion except mild discomfort, slight fear, some difficultly breathing and over all...nothing to wow you.
Computer graphics are better.....
Arnold the Pygmy Puff makes a VERY BRIEF CAMEO. And he's so damn cute, I want one!
Luna Lovegood is GREAT!!! HELL YES, LUNA!!!
The last 20 minutes of the movie suffer from "the engine's not turning over" syndrome. That is to say, the plot line struggles to get your attention...and then...nothing happens. Nothing of any real importance....
and speaking of lack of importance.....
There is a scene involving Harry doing something of MONUMENTAL STUPIDITY....AND IT NEVER HAPPENS IN THE DAMN BOOK!!!! NEVER!! NOT EVEN CLOSE!! OH MY GOOD LORD, WHY DID WE NEED THIS SCENE?! WE COULD HAVE USED THOSE PRECIOUS TEN MINUTES TO DO SOME ACTUAL CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!!!!
None of the characters GROW in any sense of the word. We could have either sliced those ten minutes out, or we could have added a scene that ACTUALLY HAPPENED INTO THE MOVIE!! HOLY CRAP, WHAT A NOVEL IDEA!!!!
Am I bitter?
For being "based" on the Book that launched a million websites and sent fans into a damn frenzy with the whole "DUMBLEDORE IS DEAD!" being screamed over the internet, this film was less then stellar.
Sure, if you've never read the books, you might enjoy it. To me, even looking at it objectively I could hardly follow the sequence of events and keep them straight. Why? oh, did I forget to mention, half of the events are shown out of order? oh yeah...figure that out....
If however, you read the books and take them even remotely seriously...you're about to be disappointed. Very, very, very disappointed. Bring tissues.
Public executions of perfectly good literature always make me cry.
I don't regret going, as I got to see Phillip and my good buddy, Rob. But I both rue and lament the loss of the hours I could have been sleeping...you know...doing somehting worth while......
Go see a matinee. Don't go in with high hopes...bring a crossword puzzle for the slow parts and feel free to take a nap if you get tired. When you wake up you'll be just as lost as you were when the film first started.
Yeah...that's me being sarcastic.....