Thursday, August 13, 2009

My Flooded Inbox full of worthless and pointless e-mails.

so I've got a question.....

why does everyone in the world assume that once you have a email address you have a sexual disorder?

let me explain.

I got a email address...I've never signed up for any online contest, survey, newsletter......ever....and quite suddenly....I find my inbox flooded with spam. 

all of them asking me if I need help in bed. Do I want a larger penis? does my partner not please me? do I need breast enlargement? help getting an orgasam? 

they offer free adult toys if I purchase any piece of naughty clothing in their store. 

and if it's not that....I have been offered places to get any number of surgeries. from tummy tucks, to nose jobs and brow lifts.

What sparked this blog was the fact that I opened my email inbox after three or four days of not checking it and found 47 pieces of junk mail......all of which were sexual in some way shape or form. 47 in about three days....that's pretty damn a sick sort of way......

So...again....why does everyone assume that I need a better sex life? should I start sending letters back telling them that "no thank you....I don't need any adult toys and I'd like you to stop sending me advertisments" or does that just encourage them?

maybe at the very least I should in fact explain that I don't have a penis to some of these companies....and that yes I do like my breasts just as they are. 

I just wonder sometimes what exactly is driving this world we live in. but then again all I really had to do was watch TV for the new ads about "natural man enhancement.' or new gels that make you tingle and shit. whatever.

No...I'm not bitter or anything, but honestly. There's reseach going on about how to make sure you can either get it up or get it on in the bedroom. All that money could be going someplace useful....find a cure for AIDS or something. Children are dying from childhood dieases all over the world and yet Joe Someone needs a bigger Mini Me. 

or someone Suzy Doe needs to feel better about her man, and really needs a new gel to feel sexy. (it also comes in strawberry, chocolate and mint flavors, or try the BRAND NEW GLOW IN THE DARK GEL FOR NIGHT TIME FUN!!!!)

Jeez....ugh...okay. sorry. but damnit, people there are vastly more important things going on in the world. 

so here's what I was thinking...I'd write a'll go something like this....

"Dear Sexually Inept Men of Company X,

Please don't flood my inbox with bullshit anymore. While I know you're all so worried about your own inability to feel sexually powerful and fulfilled, some of us still have morals and values and really don't give a rats ass about your Little Winky. By the way....just for future reference I don't have a penis. and I like my Twins just the way they are, thank you. No, I do not want enhancements or implants because I enjoy walking upright and not having the posture of a jumbo shrimp when I reach the age of 60.) Can you please spend some of your advertising money on a better cause? People are dying all over the place and it's not cause they can't have a good time in the bedroom.

A Lady Who Likes Her Body Just The Way It Is!!!

p.s if you're one of those assholes who drive huge ass cars to compensate for something...please can you at least learn how to park? it's hard enough finding a space at the movie theater friday night without your damn monster truck taking up half of two parking spaces. 

p.s.s By the way....the Huge Truck....yeah. everyone knows your little guy is extra small. just FYI


the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

If you look, carefully, you'll realize that most of these are not FDA sanctioned, which means that they are "supplements" but not something with certified results. That's how they get around the FDA results.

Things like viagra, however, came about accidentally. They were originally supposed to be used for heart disease, but then men of a certain age reported that they were able to get erections once more. The inventors looked into it, discovered a mode of action, and marketed the drug. Several mimics followed from people who had been doing similar heart research but found drugs that hit the same target at sildenafil (Viagra's chemical name).

BUT, in case you wanted to get re-angered, Johnson & Johnson or Schering-Plough or someone had a drug in clinical trials a couple of years ago to combat premature ejaculation.

I'd go into why there will never be a true cure for AIDS or cancer, but I don't feel like being demonized. I mean, moreso than the media likes to do, that is.

Gauche said...

I think I'm just tired of a flooded inbox and had to vent. but I adore your comments. Thank you. :)

Chris Wood said...

I used to think all those emails were an inconvenience, but now I have a four foot penis AND $18 million from a nice gentleman in Albania!

Pretty good, eh?